When will you go back to work?

Every year in December, Sam looks over our finances from the previous year.  In 2012, he let out a deep sigh, seeing what he'd made, what we had spent, and what he projected we should be spending vs. what we I really spend.  Then he asked me, with more seriousness than usual, "Do you think you'll be going back to work once Ethan is in school full-time?"  

My standard response since I quit my job as a scientist to take care of the kids (and discovered how much fun I was having) was "Is our house in foreclosure?"  

No, we are not at risk of losing our home.  You can let out that breath you were holding; we will not be asking you to take the whole lot of us in.  But, it made me stop and think, and then seriously look for a job.

Bingo.  My dream job was available - a research analyst with Shook, Hardy & Bacon, a very large law firm.  Quite obviously, the compensation would be very nice.  However, there would be travel.  Lots of it, and sometimes, with little notice.  I was 100% confident I would get the job, and decided to update my CV and begin the process.

Then I looked at Ally and Ethan.  Since missing a Mother's Day Tea when Ally was in preschool and realizing she was the only child without her mother that day, I swore I'd never miss another one of her events.  I volunteered regularly when she was in kindergarten, was in the classroom on a weekly(sometimes daily) basis in first grade, and tried to get on the volunteer schedule as frequently as possible this year.  She goes to school now, confident that if anything happens, I will be there.  Although I don't get to volunteer in Ethan's classroom, we get to spend a lot of time together, and it's so much fun to watch his language develop from 50 words a year ago to talking non-stop now.  Ok, I actually have a lot more enjoyment from tormenting him and making him scream at me to leave him alone.  He's talking.  Now, if only we could get him to give up the diaper...

Being with the kids is a lot of fun for me.  Sure, there are days they drive me insane.  I'm human.  To suggest it's always rainbows and butterflies is absurd.  There are days they probably wish I'd find a job and just go away.  But, I'm that weird bird who enjoys the summer days and breaks where I get to spend more time with them.  I just think the time where they love me so deeply and openly, believe I have all the answers, and all hurt is eliminated by a kiss and tight hug is so limited.  I feel that when I turn around again, I'll be packing Ally's things to go to college, and she'll never live at home again.  She'll only be a visitor.  So, I cherish this very short time with them.

But then again, things are costing more and I cannot spend less than I already do, trying to keep up with all the commitments and activities the kids are in.  We didn't get those luxuries as children, so Sam and I are determined to let our kids have that experience.  So, I started thinking seriously about the job, my stomach twisting in knots.

Just as I was putting the application together, Sam called with news that he'd received his bonus.  With tremendous relief, I put the application away, relieved to have another year with my babies. 

That was in December.