Last Thursday, I had lunch with a friend whose daughter is in the same grade as Ally. It's nice when you are good friends with the parents of your children's good friends. Not only does it make socializing with adults easier, you know someone else is looking out for your child when you are not around. It's one of the things I love about our community.
Before her food even arrived, my friend was compelled by a self-professed moral obligation to disclose that she had found head lice on her daughter and herself. I love this friend, whose anonymity in a rare move I shall respect, because she and I share views of what warrants us to go ape s*** ballistic. As she described her experience of her discovery and subsequent desire to purge her home of this pest, we both started. We itched, twitched, shifted in our chairs and soon, were scratching ourselves all over in a very public place with no shame for where the itches were suddenly erupting. Mind you, we are women - we itch just like men; we are simply more discreet in how we manage it. And I know that as you are reading this, your scalp is crawling, your neck is itching, your back feels like bugs are crawling up and down and your legs have an itch that seems to be behind the knees but when you scratch, there is no relief.
My poor friend was beside herself, and during the course of her story, revealed that she reached a breaking point and melted into a ball with heaving sobs. My heart broke for her. I had lice once as a child, and I know how horrific it can be to find it, and rid your home of it.
But as a
SWEET JESUS, MOTHER OF GOD, HOLY SAINT JOSEPH AND THE WHOLE ARMY OF SAINTS AND ANGELS WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GREEN ON EARTH!!!!! How did this get into my child's hair and into my home?!!!
I combed and picked and pulled through that child's hair until she was in tears, Ethan cried in sympathy, and I suspect Sam wasn't far behind in the waterworks. Although it was late, I stripped every single bed of every blanket, sheet, stuffed animal and began THE CLEANSING.
No exorcism could be as clean.
While the kids were crying because they were tired and wanted to go to bed, I began washing all the linens, vacuuming every square inch of the house, and came very close to boiling the kids to rid them of the pestilence. Had I been around during biblical times, I doubt the locusts would have stood a chance. At one point, Sam got the nerve to squeak out the possibility that perhaps I was going maybe just a tad bit overboard. When I turned in response, I did not see myself but I am pretty sure my eyes must have been blood red and my fangs bared with flames coming out from behind my hair as I was sprinting through the house with the vacuum in between cycles of the washing machine, all the while itching and twitching. Because God forbid I should let the washing machine or dryer have a break during THE CLEANSING.
The next day, I went up the school to do some volunteer work, and was approached by the nurse. Sam and I have endeavored to raise Ally to not be ashamed of anything about herself--how she speaks (she is exceedingly polite, so it's pretty easy at this point), looks, dresses or her choice of toys or games. Our thought process behind this is to raise a confident child who recognizes that if someone judges her for something like that, they do not deserve her for a friend.
In an illustration of the effectiveness of our parenting, Ally announced to her class "I have lice! My mom found bugs in my hair!!" And of course, on that day of all days, her amazing teacher who is now very familiar with our family (I'll let you guess why. One hint--it's not because Ally misbehaves) was absent, and the substitute panicked. The nurse examined Ally's hair, and declared to me "She has a really bad case."
WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?!?!
"Please, show me what the devil you are talking about, because I just treated that child last night."
Turns out Ally has dry scalp that can easily be mistaken for nits if you have poor eyesight. However, after a more intense search, she did find two nits, but determined Ally to be safe at school since I had preemptively treated her the night before. I asked again and again and again if I should take Ally home and put her in an autoclave? I think at this point, the nurse insisted I keep Ally at school for Ally's own safety because ape-s***-crazy-mama was back on the loose.
THE CLEANSING continued throughout the weekend. I treated Ally again with prescription-strength shampoo on Saturday. I vacuumed, washed, dried, dusted, polished, and sanitized everything in sight and a few things still in hiding. Finally, on Sunday night, I collapsed onto my very clean bed and promptly fell asleep. In the middle of the night, Ethan crawled into our bed as he sometimes does. I did not care. I was too tired to care.
Until he promptly peed. All over my bed, pillows, down comforter, quilt, duvet, and sheets. At least now, I am happy to report Ally is squeaky clean and free of lice.
