HOA woes, and the vicious pit bull they appointed treasurer

I'm not going to lie.  When we moved to Kansas City almost 9 years ago, I purposely looked into subdivisions with an HOA because I LIKE the idea of an HOA.  Call me what you will, say what you will (it IS your constitutional right, after all. In addition, I have been called Gladys from "Over the Hedge", which is only slightly inaccurate), but I like the idea of some degree of uniformity while still allowing individuality, living in an area where efforts to keep your home and surroundings beautiful are valued, and strange as it may sound, I like having neighbors.  Neighbors who are older so my children can interact with multiple generations and hopefully learn a healthy respect for their elders, neighbors with children their age so they can play, neighbors with different views than our own so that we can have diversity and a peaceful means to live amongst them.

Then, there are the other parts of living in a subdivision with an HOA.

A couple of years ago, one of my friends (who has since wisely moved away) convinced me to join the board.  With a relatively successful business that basically ran itself, I found myself with extra time, and I have always been an advocate of getting involved and giving back.  So, I agreed.  Not only did I agree to be on the board, I agreed to take on the role of treasurer without really considering all the duties it required.

Let's clarify a few things:
1.  I have been accused of being obsessively compulsive, which I think is necessary as a scientist, whether current or former.
2.  Although I am detail-oriented, I am happy to hand over the reins if someone else wants them.  Thus, I let Sam take care of our family finances, and I spend his money freely.
3.  Sam says I have no fiscal sense.  He has no malicious intent.  He is just very observant and honest.
4.  Although I spend Sam's money freely, I am very stingy with other people's money.  Sam wishes above all else it was the reverse.

Without going into details of all the colorful things that have been said, emailed, or mailed to me, I just want all those people to know a few things:

• I do not horde your money in a personal account.
• If I did horde your money in a personal account, surely you can concede my house and yard would look better, or rather, I wouldn't be living in this neighborhood anymore.
• I do not pay for lavish parties with HOA money. As the controller of the purse strings and enforcer of delinquent accounts, I am not well-liked (well, maybe that's for other reasons as well, but I personally think I'm hilarious and a peach), so do not get invited to parties. I will not pay for parties to which I am not invited.
• When you ask what you can plant in your yard, my first suggestion is grass.  And I do not mean cannibis.
• Get involved so you can join me in laughing at people who get mad at me.  I don't take a lot of things seriously, and you getting mad at me for doing my job is only going to make me laugh at you, which makes you even madder, which makes me laugh harder...and while I love laughing, I hate merry-go-rounds.
• If you're interested in building a 6 foot privacy fence, I would suggest you start at the curb because with that attitude, nobody wants to see you, either.  Don't forget the moat.  But be sure you get it approved by the Architecture Committee first, to which if you attend and get involved, you can head.
• Going to my house to "give me a piece of your mind" is not necessary.  I am confident you have little left to give away if you think it's prudent to yell at an adult in front of her children, and believe me, it's ALWAYS going to be in front of my children.  Savor what remains and just mail the payment, thank you.

Next meeting is March 4.  I wonder if I am going to need a bulletproof vest...